Article 2931 of alt.humor.best-of-usenet: Path: agate!spool.mu.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!pipex!uunet!news1.digital.com!decwrl!tribune.usask.ca!herald.usask.ca!sht123 From: Tom Stockman Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [soc.singles] Humor du jour Followup-To: alt.humor.best-of-usenet.d Date: 7 Apr 1995 00:56:52 GMT Organization: best of usenet humor Lines: 233 Approved: ahbou-mod@acpub.duke.edu Message-ID: <3m22kk$ogb@tribune.usask.ca> NNTP-Posting-Host: herald.usask.ca X-Disclaimer: the "Approved" header verifies header information for article transmission and does not imply approval of content. See .sig below. X-Submissions-To: ahbou-sub@acpub.duke.edu Originator: sht123@herald.usask.ca From: janiceg@Eng.Sun.COM (Janice Gelb) Newsgroups: soc.singles,ba.singles Subject: Re: Humor du jour More on the theme from my friend Arthur: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? Give me ten minutes with that chicken and we'll find out. -- Tomas de Torquemada I'm sorry, Ollie. I left the hen-house door open. -- Stan Laurel A chicken at rest remains at rest; a chicken in motion remains in motion. -- Sir Isaac Newton To boldly go where no hen has gone before. -- Capt. James Tiberius Kirk The ideal chicken must ideally cross the ideal road. Therefore, imperfect chickens in this world cross imperfect roads, imperfectly. -- Plato Driven by the lash of economic necessity. -- Karl Marx It is the essence of chickens to cross the road. -- Aristotle Those who cluck do not know. Those who know do not cluck. -- Lao Tse To see what's out there. -- Capt. Jean Luc Picard It was a national security matter. -- Col. Oliver North Oh, never mind that chicken. She's from Barcelona. -- Basil Fawlty Because it's there. -- Sir Edmund Hilary The lions still roam the barranca And a hen there is always alone. -- The Kingston Trio The telephone pole suggested a phallic symbol and like all female creatures she wanted to be dominated. -- Sigmund Freud The question admits of limitless answers, since there is no one logocentric strategy of discourse that takes primacy over all others. -- Jacques Derrida This chicken problem has many depths, but all of them are equally shallow. -- Oscar Wilde She was a victim of the Jewish conspiracy. -- Adolph Hitler She was a victim of the English Gnostic Drug Cartel conspiracy. -- Lyndon LaRouche She was a victim of the Illuminati One World conspiracy. -- Pat Robertson She was a victim of the male conspiracy. -- Gloria Steinem She was dazed and disoriented after the extra-terrestrials abducted and genetically altered her. -- Budd Hopkins Forty-two. -- Douglas Adams It was her True Will to cross just that road on just that day. -- Aleister Crowley We made her an offer she couldn't refuse. -- Vito Corleone To kiss your skin, to lie with you in moonlight... -- Sappho To impose a meaning upon her accidental existence. -- Jean Paul Sartre Uncle Ike saw her first: just an ordinary chicken, he thought for a moment, a chicken picking here and pecking there, gradually working her way across the road toward the lawn; but then he felt the fingers tighten on his arm and looked up, astounded, to see him, the Colonel, eyes lit with a new fire, face aglow like a saint seeing a vision: and then it was destiny, a thing pre-ordained, a fatality, for the Colonel did not reveal even to him, Uncle Ike, the secret ingredients, not the names of the herbs and not even the number of them, and so the secret of the crust remained, a hermetic mystery, locked in the private places of the Colonel's soul: and yet the vision was real, a true moment of Fate; for the franchises sold almost as fast as they could slaughter and gut the stock, and they spread across the country, across the civilized world, making the Colonel not just a millionaire but a billionaire, and Uncle Ike saw it all, knew it all, from the beginning to the day when the initials KFC were to be seen in every city, every town, every hamlet large enough to own two mules and an Assembly of God church: until now, standing in the shop in Jefferson, Yoknapatawpha County, where Flem Snopes, the bank president, hawked and coughed and spat on the floor, then hoisted his britches, country style, and said to the waitress, "Extra crispy, please." -- William Faulkner To leave the place she knew for another place And to stay there for a while And then to visit both places. -- T. S. Eliot Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon the inertial system of the observer. -- Albert Einstein To ask this question denies your own chicken nature. -- Buddha It was the next step after coming down from the trees. -- Charles Darwin All hens are endowed by Nature and Nature's God with the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of the other side. -- Thomas Jefferson I sent a hen through the astral plane To learn our future, and man's luck, And by a by the bird returned But all she'd say was "Cluck, cluck, cluck!" -- Omar Khayyam It was not merely that the chicken crossed the road, Watson, but that the three Russian midgets and the Italian oboe player did not also cross. -- Sherlock Holmes When the emperor performs the rites with full reverence, and the court officers behave as true scholars and gentlemen, a hen may cross any road in the kingdom safely. -- Confucius The fuckin chicken crossed the fuckin road, okay? No problem, okay? -- Jack Nicholson To die. In the rain. -- Ernest Hemingway To escape the crawling horror lurking on this side of the road, a nameless and foetid monstrosity that cannot be conceived save in the dreams of madness -- H.P. Lovecraft There was no chicken, no road, no crossing. There was only an interpretation. -- Friederich Nietzsche This Department recalls the distasteful incident of the Chainsaw Subliminals -- World falling -- Photo falling -- Breakthrough in hen yard -- Towers open fire -- A few may get through to the Gate in Time -- -- William S. Burroughs She was seduced by the dark side of the road. -- Darth Vader She had beady inhuman eyes like strange black jewels and the kind of feathers a bird of paradise might envy. I knew that if they made her a free-range chicken she'd take off and never look back. -- Raymond Chandler I will consider my hen, Brigit, For she is a servant of the living God, Rising in the dawn to praise the Sun in her song, Retiring at dusk like an honest worker, Making by Alchemy from simple seeds The wonder of an egg to feed me at breakfast: For she fears Death and the Devil Known to her as Fox and Chickenhawk; For she is motherly to her chicks; For she refutes the Atheist and Mechanic Choosing of her free will to cross the road! -- Christopher Smart Why, let us feather our brutish nests In this barnyard Athens -- like the hen i' the adage -- Until the Ax of mortality falls on all our necks And we squawk and make one final futile flutter And blackest night falls on the king and commoner. -- Will Shakespeare Mrs. Hahn, Cock's wife, flapflopped from an ova eggspressed (one l'ouvre, end sot) and charged that lewd brigade into any tennis sun in this faunanimal whirled. -- James Joyce I will not use a chicken as a frisbee. I will not use a chicken as a frisbee. I will not use a chicken as a frisbee. I will not use -- Bart Simpson Nostradamus predicted chicken/UFO horror! -- Weekly World News I ate her liver. With fava beans. And a brandied cranberry sauce. -- Hannibal Lecter, M.D. -- Moderators accept or reject articles based solely on the criteria posted in the Frequently Asked Questions. Article content is the responsibility of the submittor. Submit articles to ahbou-sub@acpub.duke.edu. To write to the moderators, send mail to ahbou-mod@acpub.duke.edu. RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken is a matter of relativity. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?